THE ART OF QUIET COMEBACKS: Part 15. Forgiveness: A Choice or a Necessity?

Part 15. Forgiveness: A Choice or a Necessity?

A series about starting over gently, honestly, and without apology

Offenses come uninvited. When it barges in, no status, skin color, or gender can shield you, because wrongdoing knows no boundaries. It hits us all. There comes a time in every journey when the weight of what was, threatens the promise of what could be. These are moments that barge into our paths, whether personal, creative or spiritual. Times when the past storms into our space with severe knocks louder than our future whispers. And in the heat of those moments, there comes a word that keeps erupting within the core of our being. Sometimes, that word only whispers, sometimes it flows into our thoughts as a suggestion, but sometimes it can rush in with loud echoes that pervade every corner of the soul. That word is “Forgiveness.”

Many times, our mind processes that word with a question mark because the hurt we suffered, the pain we had to gulp down our throats never went down in a steady flow, it left sores that ached and pierced very deep into every cell of our being. Therefore, when the idea appears, in defense, our minds reword it as a question: forgiveness? Sometimes, it frames the question with an undertone of disgust.

We live in a world of interaction which can occur voluntarily and involuntarily. Within this process, offenses are bound to occur because people receive and react differently. Personally, I have been offended many times, deeply hurt on different levels, even from persons I never expected, but such is life and life happens to everyone. The truth is that offenses cannot be avoided because we’re human. We have flaws, even in our passion. I have been hurt, and I believe I have also hurt people. Many times, our words land the wrong way. Even our silence many times speaks too loudly. However, is forgiveness a choice or a necessity?

In all honesty, some wounds are deeper than they appear, they don’t just sting, they echo. They ring so loud like the playback of a broken record, a vicious betrayal, a disappointment you never envisaged, or even a silence you never needed. The world around us often paints the picture that nobody owes anybody forgiveness. However, I want you to know that forgiveness is not about the person that hurt you. On the contrary, forgiveness is about you. Yes, you!

Forgiveness is not a display of weakness, neither is it a display of you surrendering to someone. In fact, forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is actually letting yourself off the hook. Forgiveness is a choice, and it’s also a necessity. It’s the choice to stop bleeding from the wound someone else gave you.

When you hold on to bitterness, what you’re indirectly doing is drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer the pain. Why journal offenses? It doesn’t help you heal, rather, it plays back the offense in your brain, and that can never rewrite what has already been done in the past. It will only rob you of the present. Your present joy should be a priority because you need it as a crucial part of fulfilling destiny. Dear reader, your destiny is too sacred to be anchored to what broke you.

Whether the person who hurt you is living a good life or not, whether he or she is happy or not shouldn’t be your focus. Your progress and the fulfilment of your destiny should be your focus. Trust me, I have been hurt deeply, and some of those hurts were so deep that I had to take them up in prayers, just to be able to let them go. Some offences seem very minute, but the pain was so intense that I needed God to help me heal.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. This is one aspect many don’t agree with because they feel forgetting is the testament of true forgiveness. It doesn’t always work that way because as humans, there is the tendency of remembering when you sight your scar or the person who hurt you.

True forgiveness is not feeling the pain even when you remember due to your eyes beholding your scar or the person that inflicted the wound on you. Forgiveness is remembering, yet choosing freedom anyways because holding onto bitterness is putting yourself in bondage. Forgiveness is a declaration. It is you saying:

“Yes, it really happened.

“Yes, I was hurt deeply.

“But no, it will never define me.”

Dear reader, I want you to know that you don’t forgive because the person who hurt you deserves forgiveness. You forgive because you deserve peace. This is why forgiveness is a necessity. Please, note that peace can never come wrapped in revenge. Peace comes in release. And to experience that peace, you must release the hurt, release the pain, release the person who knowingly or unknowingly inflicted a wound on you. The good news is, we can choose how we respond to offenses. Our response should be in humility, understanding we must be accountable and maintain a heart that refuses to remain hardened.

As I conclude this chapter, I want you to know that forgiveness is a choice, but it is also a necessity if you want to breathe again. You must forgive if you want to dream again and rise without dragging the weight of the past into the promise of tomorrow. Choose to make this chapter the point where you stop rehearsing the pain, the point you stop rehearsing your plot for revenge. Let this be the point you start reclaiming your power via forgiveness. Dear reader, let this be the moment you whisper to yourself:

“I choose to let go. I choose peace.

“I choose to be free, not because it’s easy.

“But because I am worth the freedom that follows.”

Take this advice from someone who has been hurt deeply but chose to let go. Remember, JS Havilah cares about you, yes, you!

Part 16 of THE ART OF QUIET COMEBACKS is quietly on its way.

Come back for every installment.
Come back to remember you are not alone.
Come back, not to catch up, but to catch your breath.

Still becoming,

JS Havilah