THE ART OF QUIET COMEBACKS: Part 21. What Does It Mean to Walk with People Through Their Brokenness?

Part 21. What Does It Mean to Walk with People Through Their Brokenness?

A series about starting over gently, honestly, and without apology

When people go through seasons of brokenness, many times, what we need to do is just to walk with them, and walking with them means taking a stroll into their world. Try to put yourself in their shoes, sit in that dark moment without rushing to switch the lights on. In doing so, you’ll learn to honor the sacredness of the weight pulling them down.

We all need to understand that brokenness is not a defect to be corrected, it’s not a flaw to be fixed. It’s a season to be walked through. It’s a valley (a low area of land between hills or mountains) where company is needed more than commentary.

Advice is necessary, but to a hurting person, our presence is a powerful weapon, far greater than our advice. People hardly remember the outstanding words dished at them, but what they never forget is the presence of the people who stayed with them. They never forget the people who slowed down their pace just to match up with theirs. They will never forget the person who never portrayed being uncomfortable with their tears, the person who never ran away from their questions.

To walk with someone in a season of brokenness is an act, an act of quiet courage. You must be ready and courageous enough to remain with the person even when his/her story is very rough, unclear, chaotic and doesn’t make sense. They may narrate their story in a manner you just can’t wrap your head around. However, remain with them. Walking with people through their brokenness is having the courage to give your listening ear and never taking it back when the truth is not palatable. It’s the courage to stand with someone, to hold space when answers cannot be found. It is an act of quiet courage.

The Perfect Response

The perfect response to people going through seasons of brokenness is “The Jesus Kind of Response.”

1. He never pulled away when he saw the lepers (Mark 1:40-41; Luke 5:12-13).
2. He never humiliated the woman at the well (John 4:7-26). In fact, her testimony in John 4:39 shows she felt seen, not shamed.
3. He never rushed the grieving (Mark 5:35-43; John 11:33-35). He never pushed them to “get over it, move on, or be strong.”
4. He never demanded performance from the weary (Matthew 11:28-30; Matthew 12:20; Mark 6:31).

What Did He Do?

1. He drew near to them
2. He sat with them
3. He listened to them
4. He touched them even though they had been labelled as untouchable. He touched the leper even before healing him.
5. He sat in the moment, entered their grief, and felt their pain with them.
6. He wept with them.
7. He never condemned the woman by the well.
8. He was gentle, patient with them and willing to sit with people in sorrow.
9. He never pressures the exhausted, rather He invites them to rest, he restores the worn-down and protects the fragile.

A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out… Isaiah 42:3 (NIV)

Jesus is our perfect example. Therefore, when we walk with people in their season of brokenness, we need to be gentle, patient, and unhurried.

The season of brokenness can pull off life down to what matters, and in that moment, your strength isn’t what people need; all they need from you is steadiness. Solution isn’t the first thing they need; compassion is what they need. Most times they don’t need you to speak for them, what they need is for you to stand with them. In fact, many times, the most powerful words for birthing healing are simply “I’m here for you.”

Dear reader, walking with someone going through a season of brokenness requires a lot of humility. Sometimes they’ll deliberately get on your nerves, but sometimes it may not be deliberate. Stay calm. Always resist the drive to make their pain about you (your impatience, your desire for quick solution, your discomfort). Never add to their pain. We need to understand that healing isn’t linear. Healing cannot be predicted. There will be days where those persons will stride forward with a kind of strength you can’t fathom where they pulled it from. There will also be some days where it’ll seem as though they’re sliding backwards, and sometimes the backward movement can seem prolonged and scary. Sometimes their improvement may be very slow. The most important thing which should be our role is never to measure their progress. Rather, we should honor the pace at which they’re moving.

What Our Response Should Be:

1. Don’t try to fix them, rather, be present.
2. Don’t bombard them with preaching. Just be near them.
3. Never assume, always ask them.
4. Please don’t rush them. Allow them to breathe, it’s a process.
5. Sometimes they’ll ask questions you don’t have answers to. Be mindful of the fact that they don’t necessarily need your answers, so don’t try to answer a question and end up complicating matters. All they need is your nearness, your patience, and your presence.

Within this kind of companionship lies a special kind of beauty. When you walk with someone through their brokenness, you become a witness to their resilience. Your eyes will behold their little victories; your ears will hear their first honest conversation. The moment their hope returns, you’ll be there to witness it, and when they take their first deep breath, you will be there with them. Your eyes will behold them rise, not in a dramatic way, probably not in a loud manner. Just like the breaking of the day after a very long night, their rising will be steady.

It's a very honorable thing to walk with people through their brokenness. We should never let them walk alone. Remember, we’ll give an account before our creator. Walking with people through their brokenness is a gift, therefore, offer them the gift of your presence. That way they are reminded of the fact that they are not alone, and their story isn’t over yet. They come to the realization that even in their darkest moments, there is a hand always ready to hold them, there is a voice always ready to whisper courage and strength into them, and there is a presence that will never leave them. How happy and satisfying it is when that hand, that voice, and that presence is you!

For many people, one amazing situation in this walk is that they end up finding their own healing while walking with others in their season of brokenness. In other words, we can find healing when we help others heal. This sometimes transpire when the courage of the broken inspires and awakens the courage of the one walking with them. Hearing their honest words and beholding their honest steps tends to soften us. Their path tends to educate us on how to plod our own valleys with more grace, compassion and patience.

Finally on this note, walking with people through their brokenness is loving them genuinely, even in their most vulnerable state. Not taking advantage of them at that moment. It is you strongly believing in their comeback long before they can see a glimpse of it. This is standing in the gap until they find their footing again. It is being emotionally present without being judgmental, without rushing them, without trying to control the moment. It is simply being human.

Be present, patient and full of grace. Will you choose to be the person with the quiet courage to walk with people through their brokenness?

Remember, JS Havilah cares about you, yes, you!

Part 22 of THE ART OF QUIET COMEBACKS is quietly on its way.

Come back for every installment.
Come back to remember you are not alone.
Come back, not to catch up, but to catch your breath.

Still becoming,

JS Havilah